Summary of press conference:
(In a very serious voice, trying to look sad and serious at the same time) As you know, more than two months ago a horse got out of the barn. We thought we could kind of ignore it, but then those bastards in the press started writing about it so today, for the first time, I flew on a private jet--you really don't express me to travel like all you guys fly do you--and apologized to the owner of the horse. I told them and I tell you, that is against everything we stand for here at the barn, everything we strive for, everything we promise, and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
(drops voice again and tries to look sad) We told the people who owned the horse how sorry we are that the horse got out and went on for a long time about how from now on other people's horse won't get out, blah blah blah. I think they bought it. We promised them, with all out hearts and souls, that we will NEVER FORGET that horse. And I promise everyone that our barn door will be really, really shut now.
We were wrong and all the people in charge of the horse and the barn were wrong and the horse would not have gotten out if we had done our job, but it wasn't the head barn door coach's fault, even though he is in charge of the players and gets millions of dollars a year to know what is going on with the people he hired.
We have appointed a committee to stall as long as possible and then report back to us and then we will review the findings and then we will appoint another committee to come up with recommendations.
In the meantime, I, all my staff, all my assistants, the barn manager. the barn door coach and all his assistants, the guy in charge of the horses, the guy in charge of the door, the guy in charge of locking the door, all the guys in charge of checking the door, and the guy who reports when the door is open, will remain on salary and receive full benefits and expenses as though nothing happened.
Oh, wait, we had to fire one guy because the press found out he always left the door open, but all the rest of us who hired him and all of us who looked the other way when he left the door open because we didn't give a shit what he did will remain on salary. And the head barn door coach, who made the guy we just fired his number one priority and hired him before he hired anyone else and who met with him several times every day was totally unaware of what the fired guy was doing so he stays on full salary.
But never forget this, all horse owners mark these words, as soon as that horse left we locked the door and we will ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that horse.
Thank you, now we all have tee times later so don't bother calling my office.