Sunday Hangover: It's Time To See Other People, Ohio State
Posted Sep 14th 2008 5:18AM by
Ray Holloman (
author feed)
Filed under:
Ohio State,
USC,
General CFB Insanity
We thought this might be the one where Lucy keeps the football in place. This might be the time the Generals finally catch on to the Globetrotters shenanigans. Maybe this would be the one episode in which the Beav heads to Tijuana, consumes a few beverages, hijinks ensue and then someone slugs a cop (or as we think of it, the Hideki Irabu episode).
But in the end, it was more predictable than an episode of Baywatch. Lucy yanked the football away after sacking Todd Boeckman for the 10th time and we're left with the bucket of confetti all over us. It was the same, old story.
Ohio State football and the big stage: two things that go together like peanut butter and motor oil.
"Cop Rock" was better prepared for the primetime than the Buckeyes.
How bad was USC's 35-3 clobbering of Ohio State? Four cops and a shaky home video should have been involved. Rodney King no longer thinks we can all get along.
The East Carolina police thought that was over the top. The Chinese government was fairly certain some sort of human rights violation took place.
The Trojans rolled up Ohio State like Vince Coleman in the Busch Stadium tarp, leaving Buckeye coach Jim Tressel to explain quietly what happened in another primetime meltdown a scene now as familiar a part of the college football landscape as BCS controversies, the Heisman Trophy and bail bondsmen.
And the once proud Ohio State brand, repping seven national championships and seven Heisman winners is about as hip as Joe Paterno's pantaloons drawer.
This time was no different after all. And like Jahvid Best,
we just can't stomach it anymore. Ohio State, consider us broken up.
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Harry How, Getty Images
12 photos
Southern Cal 35, Ohio State 3: It's only September, but both the Trojans and Buckeyes are in January form; Southern Cal playing championship football and Ohio State getting blown out on national television.
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Week 3 Top Storylines
- Southern Cal 35, Ohio State 3: It's only September, but both the Trojans and Buckeyes are in January form; Southern Cal playing championship football and Ohio State getting blown out on national television.
Harry How, Getty Images
Georgia 14, South Carolina 7: Nobody said it would be easy against the Ole Ball Coach and the Gamecocks' stingy defense. Knowshon Moreno rushes for 74 yards and the decisive touchdown, and follows up last week's leaping highlight by successfully hurtling Steve Spurrier's ego.
Mary Ann Chastain, AP
Maryland 34, Cal 27: The noon start time leaves the Bears sleepwalking for the first three quarters and the Terps hold on for a stunning upset just one week after losing to Middle Tennessee State. As usual, the penalty for losing to the ACC is relegation to the Lingerie Football League.
Nick Wass, AP
Notre Dame 35, Michigan 17: The Wolverines fumble the opening kickoff and its all downhill from there. Notre Dame, meanwhile, overcomes a hit to Charlie Weis that tears his ACL and MCL and leaves the coach on crutches, and survives the spittle from Lou Holtz's pre-game speech that fell through most of the second half.
Michael Conroy, AP
Iowa 17, Iowa State 7: The Hawkeye quarterback controversy heats up again, but Iowa moves to 3-0 and takes the Cy-Hawk Trophy from their rivals in front of a crowd of 70,000 fans, interestingly composed entirely of the Hawyekes' bail bondsmen.
Charlie Neibergall, AP
South Florida 37, Kansas 34: The Bulls rally from a 20-3 deficit in a matchup of climbing national programs. Maikon Bonani caps the comeback with a 42-yard game-winning field goal as time expires, providing a victory for his team, excitement for the fans and butt-sweat for some unlucky teammate carting him off the field.
Reinhold Matay, AP
Missouri 69, Nevada 17: Chase Daniel throws for 405 yards and four touchdowns and his backups lead two more scoring drives as Missouri wallops Nevada. The Tigers didn't punt until the fourth quarter, making punter Jake Harry the least used person in football this side of a Florida State academic adviser.
Jamie Squire, Getty Images
Illinois 20, Louisiana-Lafayette 17: The Ragin' Cajuns nearly turn into the worst cupcake since the Moon Pie, rallying from a 17-3 deficit, before falling 20-17. But on the upside, the Illini did manage to turn quarterback Michael Desormeaux into a really large helmet sticker and claimed a win over the team leading the nation in men whose last names end in "eaux," a little-known BCS component.
Kelly J. Huff, The Herald & Review / AP
Tennessee 35, UAB 3: The Vols bounce back from an opening week loss to BYU by rolling over the Blazers. Tennessee running backs account for 266 yards, although 240 were running from Phil Fulmer's summons servers.
Wade Payne, AP
Oregon 32, Purdue 26 (2OT): The Ducks fall behind 20-3 at halftime, survive a game-winning field goal try at the end of regulation and lose their quarterback to injury in overtime, but hang on to beat Purdue and avoid looking foolish on national television ... or at least as non-foolish as anyone dressed like a white tire can.
Tom Strickland, AP
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<!-- END SWF PUBLISHER -->After all, we've seen this before.
First, there was the 41-14 clubbing in the 2006 BCS title game. Then, in 2007, the upstart Buckeyes made it to the BCS championship again in what should've been a rebuilding year ... and then did their best impression of
Lehman Brothers' stock in a 38-24 implosion against LSU.
Now this.
Sylvester Stallone thinks you've put out too many sequels, Ohio State. Speed 2: Cruise Control and Jaws IV got together and decided this was unnecessary.
But we believed. We didn't ask for much, what with Chris Wells on the sideline, just that you didn't embarrass yourselves. Maybe that was like asking Steve Spurrier not to wear a visor or Oregon to wear uniforms that don't feature colors
rejected by the 1998 Devil Rays or that might actually wind up in a Crayloa box. Maybe it was like asking Pacman, er Adam, Jones to stay away from the stripper.
Maybe it was our fault for expecting too much.
But we believed this one would be a little different, because of all that talent in scarlet and gray. Mature talent. Been there, seen that, beat them talent. This wasn't last year's glad-to-be-here team or 2006's shell-shocked team. This was a team that at least could go toe-to-toe defensively against anyone other than the Super Tecmo Bowl Bills.
We thought.
We should've considered that the Buckeyes have always had talent. Since Jim Tressel took over in Columbus, the Buckeyes have had 57 draft picks. Scouts project as many as 16 players on this team to go on to the NFL, including almost certain first rounders James Laurinaitis, Malcom Jenkins and Wells. Misfiring so many times with all that talent is like turning a lineup of Ruth and Maris into the Bad News Bears without Kelly Leak. It's like putting John, Paul, George and Ringo together in a band and getting Wham instead of the Beatles. It's like casting Bill Murray and Chevy Chase in a golf movie and getting "
Who's Your Caddy?" instead of "Caddy Shack."
So Ohio State, we have to call it quits. We can't keep doing this self-destructive cycle. Our relationship isn't just dysfunctional. Amy Winehouse is dysfunctional. This is Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards marriage meets Andy Reid's kids at a Jackson family reunion screwed up.
And hey, we had some good times. The 2002 national championship win over a Miami team with as many offensive weapons on the field as actual weapons likely tucked into their uniforms was a helluva night. (And that definitely looked like pass interference to us.) And we'll never forget when Santonio Holmes and Ted Ginn took turns beating Notre Dame cornerbacks in the Fiesta Bowl like they were Usain Bolt racing against Charlie Weis on crutches. (Don't remember how that played out? Watch Colorado receiver
George Hill demonstrate on a four-year-old kid). You're all a bunch of great guys and you've got a great personality (which isn't code for us thinking you're fat, though that is what we mean for Wisconsin), but it never works out in the end.
There was even a little sex appeal to start the night, with a nice drive and early 3-0 lead.
But after that field goal, the rest was exactly what a 1986 Mike Tyson might look like fighting your cat.
So here's what we need Ohio State. We need to see things can change rather than staying the course. You've gone from the cute co-ed in the sun dress in 2002 to the college football equivalent of Mom jeans by playing Boeckman over Terrelle Pryror, who was the only real offensive threat on the field tonight. Pryor was 7-for-9 and rushed for 40 yards. By comparison, Boeckman made Weis' afternoon, in which he tore both his ACL, MCL while being turned into a human grass stain, look comfortable.
In the second quarter with the game still in reach, Pryor rushed for 11 yards to spark a sagging Ohio State offense. Boeckman came in for the next play, just in time to throw a pick to a wide-open Rey Maualuga, who returned it for a touchdown that, while it didn't technically end the game, for all the world felt like it. On the next drive, Pryor rushed for 12 yards on the first play of the subsequent drive; Boeckman ended it with a fumble.
What's worse was that you even lost slow. The Buckeyes more than doubled USC's time of possession in the first half yet trailed 21-3 at the break. And what Southern Cal didn't do to you, you did to yourself, looking as unprepared as if the referee handed you the sheet music for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony and asked you to play. Blindfolded. You racked up six penalties, two turnovers and a missed field goal in the first half alone, including a holding penalty that negated the only trip to the end zone that wasn't at a light jog heading to the locker room.
Then when the Buckeyes went into catchup mode its lack of big-play threats was as obvious as Mr. Ed's nose on Tressel's face. The Buckeyes gained two yards in the third quarter and the only line in L.A. longer than the one to tee off on Boeckman was the one waiting on royalties from a Pam Anderson sex tape. If Boeckman didn't want to speak after the game, you can only assume it's because every major vital organ had been slammed upwards into his throat.
By the end of the game, Barbaro was rooting for your BCS hopes to be euthanized on the track.
So, Ohio State, we need to see some changes if this fandom thing is ever going to work out. Sure, it's tempting to stay with the way things are. The Buckeyes have more talent than anyone in the Midwest and as long as they stay within shouting distance of the Rust Belt, they'll rack up wins and give the alumni somewhere to go in January with the status quo. But outside the Big Ten, teams play better and teams scheme better than what you're bringing to the table.
It may mean more losses in the short term, but Ohio State, you've got to go back to the drawing board. We deserve better. Ohio State fans deserve better. The Buckeyes' legacy deserves better.
We'd be surprised if Ohio State didn't make it to the Rose Bowl, but unless things change, we won't be watching. In the first week of January we've got plans to see if Lucy will keep the ball down. This time will be the charm.
[SIZE=+1]
The Big 16[/SIZE]
Find out who the nation's top teams are each week as we rank the best 16 and set up something heretofore unheard of in college football, a play...wait for it...off. At season's end, the top 16 will compete in two brackets -- the Fairburn, Ga. division, ancestral home of Hangover mancrush Eric Berry, and the erstwhile Fort Myers, Fla. division, ancestral home of the pizza bagel.
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- 1. Oklahoma Sooners: We've ranked the Sooners No. 1 since the last Ohio State was being embarrassed on television in our preseason list and a 55-14 thumping of Washington doesn't change anything. We still want to see the Sooners against a team that isn't a cupcake or coached by a man leafing through Golf Magazine on the sidelines and wondering how to get that funny mark over the e in resume, but we still think the Sooners' defensive line has the advantage over USC's young front five. We think.
- 1a. USC: Does anyone else find it a bit strange that the "next Reggie Bush" Joe McKnight played with the words "Pay Day" on his eye black, considering the first Reggie Bush is still caught up in pay-for-play allegations? Should Washington players honor alum Tank Johnson by putting NRA under their eyes? Or Oklahoma support Big Red Sports/Imports? Could the Trojans get a copy editor for their player's eye black?
- 3. Georgia: Everybody in the SEC gets at least one ugly win and if Matt Stafford's receivers didn't drop more balls than puberty, the Bulldogs might've won easily.
- 4. Florida Gators: The Gators move up a spot for doing nothing. Somewhere, every DMV worker that's ever waited on us smiles.
- 5. Missouri: We're still wary of a defense Juice Williams picked apart in Week 1, but the Tigers offense put up 69 points against a solid Wolf Pack team, the most damage done in the state of Nevada without help from Pacman Jones.
- 6. LSU: Les Miles was probably more likely to come out in a beanie than North Texas was to win, but the Tiger defense held the Mean Green to just 199 yards. Still, new quarterback Andrew Hatch has just one touchdown pass after two cupcake games.
- 7. Ohio State: The sun will come up tomorrow, Buckeyes, although it'll probably be faster than anyone on your team.
- 8. Auburn Tigers: Tommy Tuberville's career-long quest to kill offense finally has its apex -- Auburn 3, Mississippi State 2.
- 9. Texas Tech Red Raiders: Michael Crabtree catches three touchdowns and the Red Raiders intercept Bo Levi Mitchell five times, a performance even Boeckman would have to cringe at.
- 10. East Carolina Pirates: The Pirates nearly stumbled in their return to the small stage against Tulane, which after beating two ranked teams to start the season would be a little like tripping at the end of a marathon. By which we mean incredibly funny.
- 11. Texas Longhorns: Hurricane Ike forced the Longhorns to postpone Saturday's game ... but probably still threw for 300 yards against Texas' young secondary.
- 12. BYU: There's no controversy over unsportsmanlike penalties this week even though the Cougars have plenty to celebrate. Max Hall throws seven touchdowns as BYU makes a statement against Week 1 upset darling UCLA. For the Bruins, it's their worst loss since 1929, the year Rick Neuheisel's grandfather picked Butler to go all the way in the AAU hoops office pool.
- 13. Wisconsin: Winning on the road halfway across the country against a ranked team is always impressive, even if you're outgained and benefit from a kicker with worse accuracy than Dick Cheney with a shotgun.
- 14. Alabama: Impressive stat: The Tide won the rushing battle by 239 yards, roughly the length of Nick Saban's ego.
- 15. Penn State: That's 560 yards of offense for Penn State's "Spread HD" attack, a handsome total even against a Syracuse team that's been downgraded from bad to awful to ACC.
- 16. Oregon: Suddenly, starting quarterback for Oregon is now roughly as dangerous as being an oil driller, a North Sea fisherman or a member of the Cincinnati Bengals. Initial reports put Duck quarterback Justin Roper out for 2-4 weeks, which comes on the heels of last year's injury to Dennis Dixon and this year's season-ending injury to first-string signal caller Nate Costa.
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Cheerleaders dance before a World Cup 2010 qualifying game between Paraguay and Venezuela in Asuncion, Tuesday, Sept. 9, 2008.(AP Photo/Atilio Fernandez)
