BATON ROUGE – LSU has petitioned the NCAA and the Southeastern Conference to wear white at home. … Got it.
LSU has asked the SEC to let it play as many night games at home as possible. … Got it.
LSU has begged, pleaded and ordered the SEC to change its West-East scheduling philosophy so it will not have to play Florida every season, but no one outside Louisiana has ever understood its "equitable scheduling" argument, including Florida. … Not happening.
Oh well, two out of three is not bad. So there may be room for another small request.
SEC OFFICE: "OK, LSU, what do you want now? Blackened redfish at all away games?"
LSU: "No, what we want is to not have to play on the Friday after Thanksgiving any more. You're making us play at Texas A&M on Thanksgiving this year, but there is no way we are ever playing at home on Thanksgiving. And we don't ever want a Thursday night home game."
SEC OFFICE: "All right, all right, we'll see what we can do."
LSU: "And there's one more little bitty thing."
SEC OFFICE: "Geez, what now?"
LSU: "Well, we have this tradition …"
SEC OFFICE (Interrupting): "Another tradition? We gave you the white jerseys at home. You got all night games this season. How many traditions can one school have?"
LSU: "Well, there's this thing about Halloween. It means a lot to us."
SEC OFFICE: "You won one big game on Billy Cannon's punt return 50 years ago, and you won't let it go."
LSU: "Yeah I know, but you've got to admit it was pretty cool."
SEC OFFICE: "We're not replaying that game on the network. There's the punt return and the goal-line stand. That's it."
LSU: "No, that's not it. We're wondering if you can move Saturday's Ole Miss game to Halloween Night."
SEC OFFICE: "What?"
LSU: "We have an open date on Nov. 1 so we could play on Halloween Night. It's a Friday."
SEC OFFICE: "Uh, small problem. Ole Miss plays Auburn on Nov. 1."
LSU: "To hell with Ole Miss. You've been helping us beat the Rebs ever since 1959 when Billy stepped out of bounds, not to mention the frozen clock in 1972. You've helped us beat them as much as you help Alabama beat us."
SEC OFFICE: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
LSU: "We need this game on Halloween. It's our only chance. Ole Miss has its best team since it went undefeated in 1962 and its best defense since Johnny Vaught was coaching. This team is better than any of Archie's or Eli's teams. We're going to have to pull out all the stops just to keep up with them. Billy Cannon will be there. Doug Moreau will be there. Remember, he caught a tipped, two-point conversion pass in the final minutes to beat Ole Miss, 11-10, in 1964 – on Halloween Night. We've contacted the 13th Gate, too, to send some ghosts over. This is the 50th anniversary of that game."
SEC: "We just made Moreau an SEC legend."
LSU: "And we appreciate that. He deserves it."
SEC: "We can't move the game."
LSU: "Look, this is what you do. Give Ole Miss Nov. 1 off and move its game with Auburn on that day to Nov. 8. Ole Miss just has Presbyterian on Nov. 8, and Auburn only has Texas A&M. Both of those games can be eliminated. You saw what happened when Alabama beat A&M, 59-0. Does the SEC Network really want to carry Auburn beating A&M 65-0? Hell, you just eliminated Florida and Idaho back at the beginning of the season. You can do it again."
SEC: "Good idea. That's doable. What else you got?"
LSU: "Now, about the clock operator. We're going to need some help."
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Ole Miss at LSU