Joe Public
Gabibbo's Finest
First off, I know I'm late to this party, but tonight was the first time I'd seen the Carrie Underwood open for SNF. Bleh. Really? This was a thing, like 'Wow, we have to have this person over—whoever the hell the other person was'? Jesus. Nothing sums up faux edginess more than that open. I watch shit like that and fear that the NFL's next stop is becoming the NBA.
By which I mean, professional wrestling, because Joe doesn't believe the NBA is legit any more. But what do I know.
All right, enough of that, let's talk about the games.
So I did something this weekend that I highly recommend. Yesterday I sat down with every schedule for every NFL team and looked at the next three weeks based on what we've seen the first three weeks. Save a couple of games today that I considered throw away games (e.g., Pitt/Minny in London) the weekend made much more sense to me after doing this.
Which isn't to say I'm a genius, just that the perspective helped.
Where didn't it help? Houston.
Well, sort of. I considered that game more of a tossup and played the ML for the value as much as anything. But here's the thing about the Texans, when they fire Gary Kubiak—and they will fire Gary Kubiak sooner than later—it's games like this that will cost him his job.
Now, when he's sitting in his La-Z-Boy watching the Sunday Ticket rather than coaching I'm sure he'll turn to Lovie Smith and say "That Matthew Kidman fucked, me, mommy. He fucked me so bad." And he won't exactly be wrong. But what in the holy fuck are you doing calling that pass play when you're trying to run the clock out?
Granted, Schaub has to know better than to try to throw back across his body, that's fair. But if you're his coach, you know Schaub does shit like that. You have to be smarter than he is. And you, Gary Kubiak NEVER are. Never.
The size of the moosecock that Houston ML backers took today was something you normally find when you click the wrong link on RedTube. Or, you know, the right link if you're Steed.
BECAUSE THOSE JOKES NEVER GET OLD, THAT'S WHY.
What a nightmare—and what a waste of a really strong day for the offense against a really good defense for the Texans. I mean, good lord, man, you put up 20 in the first half and can't even get a FG in the second half?
Also, what a swing in terms of my money, which doesn't help when it comes on the heels of running KK into AA last night to the tune of my entire stack. But that was my fault, has nothing to do with the Houston Texans and, really, I'm not sure why I brought it up. Because I'm obviously not still bitter about it or anything.
In a related story, I hope that tourist dropped the whole lot of it on Indy today or something. Because despite the fact that he's an obvious cocksucker, Joe wants everybody to have a great time in Vegas.
Great win by Seattle, though. Granted I think that was more of a loss by Houston, but the record book won't reflect that.
Seattle's good and you know they're good because good teams find a way to take advantage of mistakes by dumb teams and win games on days where they don't bring their A-game.
Last thing on this game from me, by the way, I'm a big believer in that idea that your record tends to be an accurate reflector of what kind of team you are, and we're getting to that point in the season now. To that end, I think 2-2 is fair for Houston. I don't think they finish 8-8, I think they're better than that, but today is a reminder that they're dumb enough to drop a couple of games they should win and finish 8-8 rather than 10-6. Conversely, Seattle busts their ass enough to win them games that they otherwise should have lost.
Speaking of games that are won by effort, let's talk about the Cleveland Football Browns.
I like Steny Hoyer. I like Brian Hoyer, too, but Steny's track record of getting shit done is better. Which is something important to remember when the Republicans in the House who can't even be bothered to come into work more than 130 days this year, pin the country down on the ground and ass-rape the economic recovery in an effort to try to deny Americans health care and deny women access to contraception this week. Because freedom isn't free, bitches.
Or something like that.
Which relates to football exactly how, you ask? Because Brian Steny Hoyer is all about freedom, and he trusts women to make their own decisions. You know that because he still throws balls to Greg Little, and that guy's become about as big of a vag as you can ask for.
Thankfully, and more importantly, Steny throws balls to Josh Gordon and Jordan Cameron—and suddenly the Browns have a passing game. Can you imagine what this offense would look like if they had a running back? That would be awe—oh, right.
Here's what I missed in this game and what I kind of don't get. I understand that Cincy scored a ton last week. I'm not sure anybody really needed them to score 30 today, but 6 was flat-out unacceptable. And what I don't get is, how can you not watch defensive tape on the Browns from the first three weeks and not see the gaping holes in their secondary?
Joe Hayden—who Joe loves and not just because of his name—looked like he was in Cincy's playbook all day today. Either that or Cincy's coaches (and/or Dalton) were (was) dumb enough to think, "Hey, the Browns have one really, really good player on defense, let's throw at him all day." What the fuck.
As I said earlier, I looked at the schedules for each team and maybe you make the argument that Cincy was looking ahead to NE next week, but this is a division game. You're 2-1 with a division win, beat Cleveland and you're 2-0 in the division, 3-1 to start the season and in great, great shape in the North. So how do you possibly look ahead here? I'm not buying that. I think they just got beat.
Which is amazing, because I'm not seeing the talent level with these teams as equal and yet ... 2-2.
Short version: The AFC North may suck out loud. And, honestly, the Browns may threaten .500 because of it.
How do you know this, because the Steez flew to England to get run over by AP and the Ravens went to Baltimore to lose to Buffalo.
I didn't watch a lot of the Steez, but I used the term "rebuilding" last week and I don't see any reason to go away from that.
I'll get back to the Ravens in a moment, but I used the same term with regard to the GMen last week and I don't see a reason to go away from it with them either.
But for the fact that the two divisions those teams play in blow goats you'd have to think these teams would be in that spot where giving up on the season becomes a serious consideration.
And yet, the records in the NFC East are abysmal. And the Steez, as bad as they are, are only two games back with only one loss in the division.
That said, they still suck. A lot. Let's see how they use the bye.
With the GMen, though, can the bye really even help that much? Aren't they just really banged up—like to the point that they need 2 months off not two weeks? As always, correct me if I'm wrong.
I said I'd get back to the Blackbirds and since I'm talking about rebuilding this is as good a time as any.
I feel like everybody knew this year would be a step back for them based on their talent losses. Their QB is better, but they feel a lot like the Vikings of the AFC. Great RB, a defense with good talent in spots, but gaping holes in others, and some people who can make plays but ...
This team feels like 7-9 to me. A lot like 7-9.
Good job by the Bills though. I don't really know if EJ Manuel is any good, but at least they're interesting. And they won again. I saw in passing that one of their corners went down, did he come back?
Oh, and lest someone bitches about it, yes Harbaugh > Leslie Fraiser. I'm dumb, not crazy. Wait. I mean, whatever, you know what I mean.
Speaking of the Vikes, fuck that team, they blow, but let's stay in their division.
I loved Detroit today. I don't know why I didn't single them for real money. I put them with other plays and whatnot, but again, if you look at their larger schedule, this was a game they should win—or, could win based on the spot—and it was a game they really needed to win given what comes next for both them and Chicago. Next, Detroit goes to GB where they should rightly lose, Chicago comes home for NO where they should rightly win, then Chicago gets the Giants in Chicago.
So if Detroit loses today, and the Bears go to 4-0, the Lions go to 2-2 and come Week 6 you're looking at 3-3 to their probable 6-0.
Do I think teams sit and obsess about the schedules of other teams? No. Do I think they give them a glance? Absolutely. Do I also think they know exactly who they play after the game they're in right now? Yes. So even if you ignore the Bears here, if you're Detroit you know this is the first of two in the division. You need to find a way today, and they did.
Conversely, I don't put a ton into this loss for the Bears. It's a division loss, yes, but they're still 1-1 there, it's not the end of the world. And when they wake up tomorrow they'll know that if they focus over the next 10 days they should still be 5-1 in two weeks.
Let's stay in the NFC and knock out the rest of this shitty NFC East.
The Eagles' defense is who you thought they were. Period. Dust off your 6-10 predictions, people, and cuddle up.
The Redskins aren't fooling me with this win today. Sorry, Silky & Doggy. I'm convinced this whole division is going to threaten going under .500.
Thankfully for the NFL's image the Cowboys will find a way to get to 8-8, probably 9-7, before Romo melts down and public bettors end up on their backs, again.
What I don't get about the Cowboys is, I stopped paying attention to that game when it was 21-10 Dallas. And then ... um, what the hell happened?
I saw the very end, where Dallas fumbled in the endzone to end it, but how the hell did they give up 20 unanswered points? How did they not score in the second half? What the hell happened?
I still don't like San Diego, though. Something about them bothers me. I feel like they're a fraud wrapped in an enigma wrapped in Phillp Rivers' pedo-stache.
To the team that used to be in Dallas before most of us were born, Kansas City did what good teams do. They beat up on a bad team.
I'm kind of shocked I just said that about Kansas City, but the truth is the truth. I like Kansas City, not as much as Fat Andy likes Arthur Bryant's and giving Eagles' fans brain aneurysms, but I do like 'em.
Denver. Jesus. Where does it end? When Peyton throws three INTs in the playoffs? Probably. But until then the official NFL franchise of Joe Public Sr. is making my old man happier than a two-hour comp at Happy Good Joy Joy, that Asian massage parlour down off Colfax that I swear I've never been to.
But if you go, ask for Sunny, because there'll be an 80% chance of handjob.
By the way, the total on that game today was basically 60 and Denver almost got there themselves. Unreal.
One team I did like today—and this is all Music City Gambler's fault—is Tennessee. Great job, great everything and then Jake Locker gets carted off into the night.
Funny thing, though? Joe loves Ryan Fitzpatrick. No reason, really, other than he refuses to leave the league and continues to find ways to be a starter in this league.
You're going to lose Locker's legs, but—and MCG can correct me if I'm wrong—I think Fitzy doesn't represent a dropoff in the passing game. I just don't.
Of course, the thing that always pisses me off is, in general, QB changes suggest laying off for a week at least, just to see what you're getting into.
Speaking of laying off, you couldn't have paid me to bet the Redbirds/Bucs game with BAR's money. Well, that's not entirely fair, if he'd have spotted me a nickel (chump change for him, by the way) I totally would have found a way to piss it away on this game.
I have no idea how Tampa Bay doesn't quit on this season at this point. Their front office is a mess, they throw away Josh Freeman so they can what, put up 10 points at home on the Cardinals and lose? Genius.
I think we can start taking bets on which college program Schiano takes over next year now.
Likewise, I feel like people may have been suckered in to Jax this week. Because, really, if there was a week to play Indy for a letdown this seemed like the spot. And then Jax lost by 35 or whatever it was.
Maybe they're trying to move to LA? I mean, they don't seem like they're trying to win.
Meanwhile Indy's good and Trent Richardson had 20 carries and a TD. Pretty solid for the 20th pick or whatever they'll end up trading Cleveland at the end of this year.
Oh, also, Thursday's game. Right. #EyeRoll
Last week the talking heads were all "OMG, how willz the Niners handle this criziz?" (Joe believes that most TV pundits intentionally talk like LOLcats in an effort to appeal to the lowest common denominator. See: Fox & Friends)
Anyway, so what did these same morons say immediately after the Niners won? "OMGZ, the Niners are back. They've solved all their problems and will win all of the Super Bowls."
Right. They played the Rams. Who suck out loud.
And they're down an alcoholic until further notice. Bet accordingly.
I'm done with tiers and whatever. That shit didn't work for me last year and it didn't work for me for the first few weeks. I'm trying to adjust. Because you either adjust or go broke running KK into AA. Or something like that.
Enough rambling from me, I guarantee I missed a ton of stuff in these games today so tell me what you saw.
By which I mean, professional wrestling, because Joe doesn't believe the NBA is legit any more. But what do I know.
All right, enough of that, let's talk about the games.
So I did something this weekend that I highly recommend. Yesterday I sat down with every schedule for every NFL team and looked at the next three weeks based on what we've seen the first three weeks. Save a couple of games today that I considered throw away games (e.g., Pitt/Minny in London) the weekend made much more sense to me after doing this.
Which isn't to say I'm a genius, just that the perspective helped.
Where didn't it help? Houston.
Well, sort of. I considered that game more of a tossup and played the ML for the value as much as anything. But here's the thing about the Texans, when they fire Gary Kubiak—and they will fire Gary Kubiak sooner than later—it's games like this that will cost him his job.
Now, when he's sitting in his La-Z-Boy watching the Sunday Ticket rather than coaching I'm sure he'll turn to Lovie Smith and say "That Matthew Kidman fucked, me, mommy. He fucked me so bad." And he won't exactly be wrong. But what in the holy fuck are you doing calling that pass play when you're trying to run the clock out?
Granted, Schaub has to know better than to try to throw back across his body, that's fair. But if you're his coach, you know Schaub does shit like that. You have to be smarter than he is. And you, Gary Kubiak NEVER are. Never.
The size of the moosecock that Houston ML backers took today was something you normally find when you click the wrong link on RedTube. Or, you know, the right link if you're Steed.
BECAUSE THOSE JOKES NEVER GET OLD, THAT'S WHY.
What a nightmare—and what a waste of a really strong day for the offense against a really good defense for the Texans. I mean, good lord, man, you put up 20 in the first half and can't even get a FG in the second half?
Also, what a swing in terms of my money, which doesn't help when it comes on the heels of running KK into AA last night to the tune of my entire stack. But that was my fault, has nothing to do with the Houston Texans and, really, I'm not sure why I brought it up. Because I'm obviously not still bitter about it or anything.
In a related story, I hope that tourist dropped the whole lot of it on Indy today or something. Because despite the fact that he's an obvious cocksucker, Joe wants everybody to have a great time in Vegas.
Great win by Seattle, though. Granted I think that was more of a loss by Houston, but the record book won't reflect that.
Seattle's good and you know they're good because good teams find a way to take advantage of mistakes by dumb teams and win games on days where they don't bring their A-game.
Last thing on this game from me, by the way, I'm a big believer in that idea that your record tends to be an accurate reflector of what kind of team you are, and we're getting to that point in the season now. To that end, I think 2-2 is fair for Houston. I don't think they finish 8-8, I think they're better than that, but today is a reminder that they're dumb enough to drop a couple of games they should win and finish 8-8 rather than 10-6. Conversely, Seattle busts their ass enough to win them games that they otherwise should have lost.
Speaking of games that are won by effort, let's talk about the Cleveland Football Browns.
I like Steny Hoyer. I like Brian Hoyer, too, but Steny's track record of getting shit done is better. Which is something important to remember when the Republicans in the House who can't even be bothered to come into work more than 130 days this year, pin the country down on the ground and ass-rape the economic recovery in an effort to try to deny Americans health care and deny women access to contraception this week. Because freedom isn't free, bitches.
Or something like that.
Which relates to football exactly how, you ask? Because Brian Steny Hoyer is all about freedom, and he trusts women to make their own decisions. You know that because he still throws balls to Greg Little, and that guy's become about as big of a vag as you can ask for.
Thankfully, and more importantly, Steny throws balls to Josh Gordon and Jordan Cameron—and suddenly the Browns have a passing game. Can you imagine what this offense would look like if they had a running back? That would be awe—oh, right.
Here's what I missed in this game and what I kind of don't get. I understand that Cincy scored a ton last week. I'm not sure anybody really needed them to score 30 today, but 6 was flat-out unacceptable. And what I don't get is, how can you not watch defensive tape on the Browns from the first three weeks and not see the gaping holes in their secondary?
Joe Hayden—who Joe loves and not just because of his name—looked like he was in Cincy's playbook all day today. Either that or Cincy's coaches (and/or Dalton) were (was) dumb enough to think, "Hey, the Browns have one really, really good player on defense, let's throw at him all day." What the fuck.
As I said earlier, I looked at the schedules for each team and maybe you make the argument that Cincy was looking ahead to NE next week, but this is a division game. You're 2-1 with a division win, beat Cleveland and you're 2-0 in the division, 3-1 to start the season and in great, great shape in the North. So how do you possibly look ahead here? I'm not buying that. I think they just got beat.
Which is amazing, because I'm not seeing the talent level with these teams as equal and yet ... 2-2.
Short version: The AFC North may suck out loud. And, honestly, the Browns may threaten .500 because of it.
How do you know this, because the Steez flew to England to get run over by AP and the Ravens went to Baltimore to lose to Buffalo.
I didn't watch a lot of the Steez, but I used the term "rebuilding" last week and I don't see any reason to go away from that.
I'll get back to the Ravens in a moment, but I used the same term with regard to the GMen last week and I don't see a reason to go away from it with them either.
But for the fact that the two divisions those teams play in blow goats you'd have to think these teams would be in that spot where giving up on the season becomes a serious consideration.
And yet, the records in the NFC East are abysmal. And the Steez, as bad as they are, are only two games back with only one loss in the division.
That said, they still suck. A lot. Let's see how they use the bye.
With the GMen, though, can the bye really even help that much? Aren't they just really banged up—like to the point that they need 2 months off not two weeks? As always, correct me if I'm wrong.
I said I'd get back to the Blackbirds and since I'm talking about rebuilding this is as good a time as any.
I feel like everybody knew this year would be a step back for them based on their talent losses. Their QB is better, but they feel a lot like the Vikings of the AFC. Great RB, a defense with good talent in spots, but gaping holes in others, and some people who can make plays but ...
This team feels like 7-9 to me. A lot like 7-9.
Good job by the Bills though. I don't really know if EJ Manuel is any good, but at least they're interesting. And they won again. I saw in passing that one of their corners went down, did he come back?
Oh, and lest someone bitches about it, yes Harbaugh > Leslie Fraiser. I'm dumb, not crazy. Wait. I mean, whatever, you know what I mean.
Speaking of the Vikes, fuck that team, they blow, but let's stay in their division.
I loved Detroit today. I don't know why I didn't single them for real money. I put them with other plays and whatnot, but again, if you look at their larger schedule, this was a game they should win—or, could win based on the spot—and it was a game they really needed to win given what comes next for both them and Chicago. Next, Detroit goes to GB where they should rightly lose, Chicago comes home for NO where they should rightly win, then Chicago gets the Giants in Chicago.
So if Detroit loses today, and the Bears go to 4-0, the Lions go to 2-2 and come Week 6 you're looking at 3-3 to their probable 6-0.
Do I think teams sit and obsess about the schedules of other teams? No. Do I think they give them a glance? Absolutely. Do I also think they know exactly who they play after the game they're in right now? Yes. So even if you ignore the Bears here, if you're Detroit you know this is the first of two in the division. You need to find a way today, and they did.
Conversely, I don't put a ton into this loss for the Bears. It's a division loss, yes, but they're still 1-1 there, it's not the end of the world. And when they wake up tomorrow they'll know that if they focus over the next 10 days they should still be 5-1 in two weeks.
Let's stay in the NFC and knock out the rest of this shitty NFC East.
The Eagles' defense is who you thought they were. Period. Dust off your 6-10 predictions, people, and cuddle up.
The Redskins aren't fooling me with this win today. Sorry, Silky & Doggy. I'm convinced this whole division is going to threaten going under .500.
Thankfully for the NFL's image the Cowboys will find a way to get to 8-8, probably 9-7, before Romo melts down and public bettors end up on their backs, again.
What I don't get about the Cowboys is, I stopped paying attention to that game when it was 21-10 Dallas. And then ... um, what the hell happened?
I saw the very end, where Dallas fumbled in the endzone to end it, but how the hell did they give up 20 unanswered points? How did they not score in the second half? What the hell happened?
I still don't like San Diego, though. Something about them bothers me. I feel like they're a fraud wrapped in an enigma wrapped in Phillp Rivers' pedo-stache.
To the team that used to be in Dallas before most of us were born, Kansas City did what good teams do. They beat up on a bad team.
I'm kind of shocked I just said that about Kansas City, but the truth is the truth. I like Kansas City, not as much as Fat Andy likes Arthur Bryant's and giving Eagles' fans brain aneurysms, but I do like 'em.
Denver. Jesus. Where does it end? When Peyton throws three INTs in the playoffs? Probably. But until then the official NFL franchise of Joe Public Sr. is making my old man happier than a two-hour comp at Happy Good Joy Joy, that Asian massage parlour down off Colfax that I swear I've never been to.
But if you go, ask for Sunny, because there'll be an 80% chance of handjob.
By the way, the total on that game today was basically 60 and Denver almost got there themselves. Unreal.
One team I did like today—and this is all Music City Gambler's fault—is Tennessee. Great job, great everything and then Jake Locker gets carted off into the night.
Funny thing, though? Joe loves Ryan Fitzpatrick. No reason, really, other than he refuses to leave the league and continues to find ways to be a starter in this league.
You're going to lose Locker's legs, but—and MCG can correct me if I'm wrong—I think Fitzy doesn't represent a dropoff in the passing game. I just don't.
Of course, the thing that always pisses me off is, in general, QB changes suggest laying off for a week at least, just to see what you're getting into.
Speaking of laying off, you couldn't have paid me to bet the Redbirds/Bucs game with BAR's money. Well, that's not entirely fair, if he'd have spotted me a nickel (chump change for him, by the way) I totally would have found a way to piss it away on this game.
I have no idea how Tampa Bay doesn't quit on this season at this point. Their front office is a mess, they throw away Josh Freeman so they can what, put up 10 points at home on the Cardinals and lose? Genius.
I think we can start taking bets on which college program Schiano takes over next year now.
Likewise, I feel like people may have been suckered in to Jax this week. Because, really, if there was a week to play Indy for a letdown this seemed like the spot. And then Jax lost by 35 or whatever it was.
Maybe they're trying to move to LA? I mean, they don't seem like they're trying to win.
Meanwhile Indy's good and Trent Richardson had 20 carries and a TD. Pretty solid for the 20th pick or whatever they'll end up trading Cleveland at the end of this year.
Oh, also, Thursday's game. Right. #EyeRoll
Last week the talking heads were all "OMG, how willz the Niners handle this criziz?" (Joe believes that most TV pundits intentionally talk like LOLcats in an effort to appeal to the lowest common denominator. See: Fox & Friends)
Anyway, so what did these same morons say immediately after the Niners won? "OMGZ, the Niners are back. They've solved all their problems and will win all of the Super Bowls."
Right. They played the Rams. Who suck out loud.
And they're down an alcoholic until further notice. Bet accordingly.
I'm done with tiers and whatever. That shit didn't work for me last year and it didn't work for me for the first few weeks. I'm trying to adjust. Because you either adjust or go broke running KK into AA. Or something like that.
Enough rambling from me, I guarantee I missed a ton of stuff in these games today so tell me what you saw.
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