February 11, 2009
The MLB All Tainted Team
by Jerry Thornton (<SCRIPT type=text/javascript>document.write('\x3c\x61\x20\x68\x72\x65\x66\x3d\x22\x6d\x61\x69\x6c\x74\x6f\x3a\x6a\x65\x72\x72\x79\x40\x62\x61\x72\x73\x74\x6f\x6f\x6c\x73\x70\x6f\x72\x74\x73\x2e\x63\x6f\x6d\x22\x3e\x6a\x65\x72\x72\x79\x40\x62\x61\x72\x73\x74\x6f\x6f\x6c\x73\x70\x6f\x72\x74\x73\x2e\x63\x6f\x6d\x3c\x2f\x61\x3e');</SCRIPT>
jerry@barstoolsports.com jerry@barstoolsports.com)
<!-- Generated by XStandard version 1.6.2.0 on 2009-02-10T14:06:17 -->If there's one thing the ARod story and the all the retrospectives about the supposed Performance Enhanced Era of baseball has proven, it's that steroids work. Without a doubt. Anyone who says "How can taking drugs help you hit a baseball?" isn't paying attention. Looking at the best chemically aided players at each position is like an advertisement for America's anabolic industry. Give me this collection of guys at the height of their sterioid-fueled powers, and I'll match them up against any lineup you can put together out of any great players of all time.
The MLB All Tainted Team:
1. Chuck Knoblauch, 2B
Probable juicing years: 1994-2002
How he got ratted out: Brian McNamee
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: In '93, his Slugging Pct. was .346. By '96 it was .512.
Has he 'fessed up?: Not quite. I have nothing to defend and I have nothing to hide at the same time. Glad he cleared that up.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: When "Knobby's" 'roid-addled brain rendered him incapable of making the simple throw to first, and he had to retire prematurely at the age of 34.
Current status: Forgotten
2. Jose Canseco, RF
Probable juicing years: Rookie season to retirement.
How he got ratted out: Wrote "Juiced," his memoirs of a career spent with a needle in his ass in which he also dimed out all of Major League Baseball. He was universally ridiculed for the book, but who's laughing now?
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: His 1998 MVP season when he had 42 HR and 40 SB.
Has he 'fessed up?: Obviously.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: A post- "Juiced" Jose is flat broke, failed miserable as a reality TV personality, and at this point is two months away from a career as a carnival dunk tank performer.
Current status: World Class Buffoon
3. Alex Rodriguez, SS
Probable juicing years: He's claiming it was his Texas years, but if so, his Seattle numbers have a lot of 'splainin' to do.
How he got ratted out: Anonymous sources with access to MLB's "confidential" drug test results.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: At the age of 21, he hit .358 and slugged .631. He'll finish this season 7th on the HR list, at the age of 34.
Has he 'fessed up?: Yes.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: Yet to be determined. But the leader in the clubhouse is his interview with Katie Couric when he looked her in the eye and flat out lied about ever using. I've always been a very strong, dominant position... since I was, you know, a rookie back in Seattle, I didn't have a problem competing at any level." I mean, who lies to Katie?
Current status: Lightning Rod For Criticism
4. Barry Bonds, LF
Probable juicing years: Starting in '93, his first season playing in San FranBALCO, to the end of his career.
How he got ratted out: Massive Big Dig-sized leaks in secret federal grand jury investigations.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: All time record for career HR, single-season HR, and increase in hat size.
Has he 'fessed up?: Most definitely not.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: The hundreds of hours of TV footage of Bonds doing the perp walk into federal courthouses.
Current status: Unanimously Despised by All
5. Sammy Sosa, CF
Probable juicing years:1995-2003.
How he got ratted out: Narc'd by Jeff Novitzky, an FDA agent who was gumshoeing BALCO and Mets clubhouse supplier Kirk Radomski.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: Had 3 seasons of 60+ HR in 4 years.
Has he 'fessed up?: Negativa.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: Pretending that he couldn't hablar Inglés before a congressional committee after years of speaking it before the entire world.
Current status: Fraud
6. Mark McGwire, 1B
Probable juicing years: From his 49 HR rookie season on.
How he got ratted out: Canseco snitched on him in "Juiced."
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: 70 HR in 1997.
Has he 'fessed up?: He's not here to talk about the past. He's here to be positive about this subject.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: His testimony before Congress was the most painfully awkward performance since Albert Brooks flop-sweatted through the newscast in "Broadcast News."
Current status: Laughingstock.
7. Rafael Palmeiro, DH
Probable juicing years: 1993 on.
How he got ratted out: The Mitchell Report.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: He's currently 10th on the All Time HR list. He's Rafael Freakin' Plameiro and he's 10th on the HR list.
Has he 'fessed up?: His "I have never used steroids, period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never" was accompanied by Clinton/Lewinsky - like finger pointing. So, no.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: The last day of his 10 game suspension meant the cancellation of "Rafael Palmeiro Appreciation Day."
Current status: Disgraced.
8. Ken Caminiti, 3B
Probable juicing years: 1996 on.
How he got ratted out: He came clean on the cover of SI in 2002.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: His MVP season in '96: .326, 40, 130.
Has he 'fessed up?: Yes.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: None. None at all.
Current status: Dead.
9. Ivan Rodriguez, C
Probable juicing years: 1993 on.
How he got ratted out: In "Juiced" Canseco claims to have introduced Rodriguez to Deca-Durabolin and Winstrol. But he's always managed to stay one step ahead of the pee cup posse.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: His MVP season: .332 35 113 with a preposterous 25 SB.
Has he 'fessed up?: Nope.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: The year testing was implemented, he showed up to Spring Training down about 30 lbs from the year before, and his nickname was changed from "Pudge" to "Slim."
Current status: Suspect
RHP: Roger Clemens
Probable juicing years: 1997 on. In other words, the Toronto/Houston/New York years.
How he got ratted out: Brian McNamee.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: Wow. Where do you begin? 20-3 at the age of 38? 1.87 ERA at 42? Let's go with the 10 MPH he added to his fastball once he left Boston. When he went from 10-13 with the Sox to 21-7 with the Jays.
Has he 'fessed up?: Not even a little.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: There have been several, but answer is probably the verbal corner that he has painted himself into. His personal trainer/lackey injected Clemens' wife and his BFF teammate (Andy Pettitte) with HGH. And Clemens with Deca-Durabolin, Winstrol, Sustanon, and possibly Anadrol. Only Roger claims he didn't know what it was.
Current status: Object of Worldwide Scorn
LHP: Andy Pettitte
Probable juicing years: 2002.
How he got ratted out: McNamee and Mitchell.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: 21-8 at the age of 32. (Granted that's not exactly eye-popping.)
Has he 'fessed up?: Yes.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: When he testified against his bromance, Clemens, rather than invoke the spousal privilege.
Current status: Strangely Forgiven
Closer: Eric Gagne'
Probable juicing years: 2002 on.
How he got ratted out: Mitchell Report via Radomski.
Most ridiculous, steroidy number: In '01 his ERA was 4.75. The it went 1.97, 1.20, 2.19. And he averaged 51 Saves a year.
Has he 'fessed up?: No.
Funniest moment of Schadenfreude: The Red Sox knew he was a user but traded for him anyway, and a juice-free Gagne' almost single-handedly cost them the 2007 World Series.
Current status: A Run-of-the-Mill Reliever
Toughest Omissions:
- Jason Giambi
- Miguel Tejada
- Brady Anderson
- Jeff Bagwell
- Brett Boone
Don't Talk to Me about:
- Nomar Garciaparra. All the rumors about him are based on one thing: a picture of him looking ripped on the cover of SI. How could a guy who started out his career with 30 HR and 35 HR who never reached 30 again be using?